Little did you know...

How can you mend a broken heart.

2012-02-14T21:31:00.000Z

Tumblr.

2012-02-06T17:47:00.000Z

I decided to create a tumblr. I thought that it might help to satisfy my craving for beautiful pictures and suchlike, and as such might encourage more writing on here. We shall see.

littledid.tumblr.com

Running up that hill.

2012-02-06T10:00:00.001Z

Living at home, in a town I loathe, sometimes makes me feel like I will be here forever, and that my destiny is nothing but a grey, miserable life. The people here are as gloomy as the weather.

I dream of moving away. I want to be near to art, opulence and bright lights, not council estates and vomit. I want to wear anything I want, and read in cafes. In this city, I wouldn’t dare read in public, let alone sit in one alone for fear of ridicule. It’s so backwards.

One day I will graduate, and I will be brave.

Cherry lips.

2012-02-05T10:30:00.000Z

On & on.

2012-02-04T22:13:00.000Z

The great thing about the cold is that I will always read more. I’d rather it not snow, though.

Snow = slippery ice and I’m rather prone to clumsiness and tumbles at the best of times.

I had a beautiful bath earlier. Face mask, bath bomb, the works.

Feeling pretty relaxed.

Sometimes staying in is the best thing in the world.

Walking through the garden.

2012-02-02T09:00:00.004Z

Oh, to be a child again.

To have a muddy face and pockets full of tidbits.

I used to make ‘perfume’ out of flower petals and water with my cousin.

We’d run so fast we thought we would fly. We tried with umbrellas, in the style of Mary Poppins.

I want to be her again.

Cameo Lover.

2012-02-01T00:44:00.000Z

Not too long ago, I was in a pub with some friends. We were having fun, drinking quite a lot… Just the usual weekend lark.

I bumped into someone at the bar that I recognised from somewhere or another and we started to talk. He seemed nice and was quite nicely put together, and so he came to my table and we continued to chat.

It was at this point he started to ask me questions.

‘Are you cool?’

‘Do you go to cool places?’

Completely dumbfounded, I said no. I told him I was, most certainly, not cool and that I read a lot and, at the very least, attempt to work hard at my course.

I resent the idea of cool, or hipster, or whatever. I am what I am, I don’t want to be labelled and I most certainly didn’t want to have to prove my ‘cool worth’ to someone I had met in a pub to make him like me.

However, this seemed to spur him on…

‘What books have you read?’ – and he stared at me until I responded with my recent readings. (Now I wish I’d come up with something silly or witty). Bear in mind that we were in a noisy pub, and everyone had had a few drinks… Needless to say, I found it all rather odd.

Polly Browne.

2012-01-17T10:00:00.004Z

Tea for two.

2012-01-17T01:24:00.003Z

I really don't like the cold, I have decided. I'm a bit sniffly and have felt generally 'yicky' today.

I have just made an asos order of winter boots to make me feel a bit better and have been watching YouTube videos for hours now.

I think it is time for a nice brew before I think about going to bed.

I have an exam on Thursday. It'll be my first one since starting University. I'm ridiculously unprepared.

Put on a happy face.

2012-01-14T10:00:00.003Z

Oh Liza, you are darling!

Animal crackers in my soup.

2012-01-13T18:03:00.001Z

White lace and promises.

2012-01-07T21:06:00.001Z

"We mistake sex for romance. Guys are taught that pushing a girl up against a wall is romance. Sex is easy; you can do it with anyone, yourself, with batteries. Romance is when someone you like walks into a room and they take your breath away. Romance is when two people are dancing and they fit together perfectly. Romance is when two people are walking next to each other and all of a sudden they find themselves holding hands, and they don’t know how that happened."

Harry in winter.

2012-01-06T02:23:00.000Z

Come seek us where our voices sound
We cannot sing above the ground
An hour long you'll have to look
To recover what we took.

An hour long you have to look
To recover what we took
Your time's half gone so tarry not
Lest what you seek stays here to rot.

Electra heart.

2012-01-04T12:35:00.000Z

Trying to be organised. Already feeling pretty tired because I was awake until the silly, small hours of the morning. I'd like to think that this will lead me to having an earlier night tonight and so the routine will improve, but I know better than to have such hope!

I did manage to pretty much complete an assignment last night. Hopefully I will finish this and get started on the next one.

I think I need coffee.

Hollywood, mon amour.

2012-01-01T20:30:00.000Z

I hope you have all had a marvellous time over the past week. I can’t quite believe it’s all over!

Last night I went to a silent disco with some friends, it was quite funny – everyone listening to different music and dancing to different beats. I had quite a lot of fun!

Today, I have barely moved from my bedroom, bar countless trips to the kitchen for sugary tea, yum.

Tomorrow, I am going to try to get my life in order, perhaps decide on my new year resolutions (today would never work!) and maybe even start preparations for when lectures start again. I definitely want to be more prepared this year. I’m a terrible procrastinator.

Time for more tea, I think.

I hope you are having a lovely, relaxing evening.

Down to earth.

2011-12-28T15:30:00.000Z

I have to go back to work today. I have to work a shift tonight and another tomorrow. This will surely ruin any festive cheer I managed to acquire. I already feel miserable just thinking about it!

Oi to the world.

2011-12-26T22:27:00.000Z

I hope you have had a marvellous Christmas.

Queen of no identity.

2011-12-21T15:36:00.000Z

You'll never know.

Won't you charleston with me.

2011-12-20T11:00:00.000Z

There is something strangely alluring about looking at old photography. I adore delving into the 1920s, if not only in my imagination. I think it’s interesting to observe how the perception of beauty changed.

Also, call me odd, but I love to look at the faces, the expressions, the background detail. It’s like another world.

Here are just a few examples of pictures I have found online.

Starring role.

2011-12-20T00:26:00.000Z

I thought it was about time to decorate the tree. I whipped out the Doris Day Christmas album, rummaged through the Christmas box and started putting sparkly things here and there.

Doris, as much as I adore her, didn't quite go with the energetic mood of tree decoration. I put a Christmassy radio show on, it was decidedly better. The tree looked quite good, and then 'Last Christmas' came on. Urgh.

I hate being so pathetic. It’s ridiculous. I’m becoming more scrooge-like every day.

On top of this, I seem to be spending an extortionate amount of money on everyone but myself, all in aid the holiday that, I swear, celebrates my misery of singledom!

I am therefore going to help myself to a nice alcoholic beverage and relax in the bath until I resemble a prune.

Good night all!

Havin' em all day long.

2011-12-18T15:20:00.000Z

Heebie jeebies.

2011-12-18T01:10:00.000Z

My ex called again last night. It was about 3am. Like before, I am more than sure it was purely to make him feel better about himself.

Just general chit-chat.

A sly mention of 'woman trouble'.

He was on his way home from somewhere or another. I just don’t care what he has to say. He treated me badly and he’s terribly selfish.

I know he doesn’t want me back. He just likes to feel important, and I’m nice to him. I always have been.

Doesn’t he realise that he’s making me feel used? It’s been a year and he is still playing games. I’m sick of it.

It's Christmas for everyone, we all feel that awful stomach flip, I'd just like to think that I wouldn't make it harder for someone already feeling a bit crappy.

Yet I’ll smile when I see his number flash on my phone. I’m such an idiot.

Button up your overcoat.

2011-12-16T04:26:00.000Z

In the mood.

2011-12-06T21:29:00.000Z

Both sides now.

2011-12-06T03:30:00.000Z

I want everything. I want the world. I want to be the most beautiful person you have ever seen. I want the intellect of a scientist and the charisma of a goddess. I want unlimited wealth and I want to be a philanthropist. I want to be selfish. I want to live in a quiet seaside town house, a thatched cottage in the woods and a colossal white Georgian house. I want to travel the world. I want to speak every language. I want to forget people. I want to meet people. I want to fall head over heels in love and make every mistake in the book. I want him to be wild. I want him to be sensible. I want to be lovesick. I want to have hair flowing to my waist. I want to work hard. I want to eat strawberries on a blanket. I want to watch fireworks and shooting stars. I want to read beautiful poetry. I want to write terrible poems. I want to read every book in a library. I want to write novels. I want to stay out all night. I want to be understanding. I want to be open minded. I want to be strong. As strong as an ox. My mind as sharp as a knife. I want to be everything.

Kindle my heart.

2011-12-04T20:37:00.000Z

Wake me up.

2011-12-04T02:21:00.001Z

Me, right now:

I’m going to sit here until I finish this bloody assignment. I will not sleep until it is done. I will finish tonight.

2am:

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know anything. I want to finish this but I’m just sat here, annoyed, not finishing the assignment.

Not only that, I've drank half a bottle of wine. I thought I'd treat myself, seeing as how I'm not going out tonight, even though everyone else is.

So I have had a little tipple, sat here at a silly hour, refusing to budge until I do my work that I can't do. Oh god.

Rosie.

2011-12-03T09:00:00.002Z

Pretty in pink.

2011-12-02T18:00:00.004Z

Ahhh, yes.

Polly, the spirit of ecstasy.

2011-12-02T16:20:00.000Z

Bumpin' bumpin'.

2011-12-02T00:37:00.000Z

Don't judge me... I'd forgotten all about this song until my iPod did a lovely shuffle-type thing...

Romantically yours.

2011-12-02T00:19:00.000Z

Today has been a day of organising, cleaning and clearing of both my surroundings and mind. I always find that when I am feeling blue, irritated or even angry, a day like this can help to set me straight. That is, of course, if I can motivate myself! There seems to be something quite therapeutic about cleaning to music, I can forget the world.

This morning, strangely enough, I received the last Harry Potter film, Deathly Hallows 2, through the post (I had pre-ordered it from Amazon but it isn't officially released until tomorrow). I was pretty ecstatic – it isn’t even released until tomorrow! A little spy on twitter confirmed that quite a few people received theirs early and I am certainly not going to complain.

I was supposed to work today and yesterday, at my awful job. When I say awful, I’m really not exaggerating. It’s awful, the people are awful, the place itself is dirty and a mess, the customers can and have been awful, the standards are awful and the company is awful. I can’t express how much I hate it. I can’t say where, I don’t want to get into trouble, but I guess you could say that it’s the kind of job students do on weekends, for minimal wages.

When I called yesterday morning, I explained that I had just come from my GP, where I had spoken about my insomnia and rising anxiety levels, something my employer is quite aware of, and as such I wouldn’t be working my evening shift. If I’m being honest, half of the reason I haven’t worked today and yesterday was preventative measures. I’ve had numerous panic attacks at work, some brought on by staff and even a security guard stealing my number from the office in an effort to ‘chat me up’ by texting me. What an idiot. He was sacked in the end.

When I spoke to a colleague yesterday, informing them that I wouldn’t be able to come in, the first thing she said was ‘you don’t sound ill’. I mean, I’m sure I don’t have to detail my annoyance about this. It’s absolutely ridiculous. However, I took this on the chin and explained myself, how, at that point, I’d only had two hours sleep the night before, not feeling very good at all…

Today, I decided to take another day off, to get myself together, to try to get an early night (I would have been working a late shift). I won’t get paid for it, so don’t feel too guilty. The man who answered the work phone responded with something like ‘…oh, well, now, what will they do? Who is working tonight?’ I know, as does he, the only difference my not being there tonight is that the staff working will actually have to do their jobs. Not only this, it would be unheard of for anyone there to wish me [or anyone] to feel better or to offer any kind words at all. It’s so odd.

They hired some new staff recently, and it’s as if they didn’t even have a conversation with them before they started. The girl working tonight, for instance, mentioned to me that she was fired from her last job. She said it was because they deemed her not suitable for the role. The role was packing things into boxes. We get on, but she doesn’t seem to have any social ability, just scowling at customers and even complaining to the supervisor that she couldn’t be bothered to do any more work. So tonight, they will see how much I do, and how little she does.

I know I sound ungrateful. It’s just so awful. My manager is younger than me, doesn’t brush his teeth and his ‘lad’ attitude makes me sick. When I asked him to look at my holiday forms, he literally laughed in my face. When I was late once, although I had phoned in advance to apologise, he was extremely rude to me in front of customers. He is constantly telling me about University, not long ago insisting that I definitely didn’t have any assignments yet as it was only my first year!

Every time I step into the place, I feel as if I belong there, that it is my place, and I will have to wear the awful uniform and be treated as though I am an inarticulate lemming for the rest of my life.

Urgh.

So, tonight I have not been to work. I have organised, tidied and will now relax and be happy. I might even sneak a bit of Potter in. I’ve already had a long bath, and I used a hot cloth cleanser and after that gave myself a facial massage with some vitamin E oil. It feels strange for me to feel so relaxed!

Let’s forget about the everlasting assignments for tonight, oui?

Singin' in the rain.

2011-11-30T03:51:00.001Z

I'm still not sure about leaving the last post up, it makes me feel uneasy, but I thought I could at least post something with more of an optimistic and happy feel to it.

Here are some old videos that make me smile, have a listen if you please...

My story...

2011-11-29T20:08:00.004Z

I have been debating with myself whether or not to write about this. One day I think it might be therapeutic for me and the next I feel truly ashamed, as though I shouldn’t air my problems in this manner. On top of this, if anyone I know were to read this, or found out this was my blog, I would be absolutely horrified beyond words.

Yet this blog is anonymous. This blog is mine. As such it is my space to do with whatever I please. If anyone were to read this; friend, foe or stranger, and had something negative or horrible to say than that is their own problem and not mine.

My anxiety and depression have been pretty prominent today. I had a bath earlier, I’m sure we all have these moments, where it seems all there is to do is to close your eyes and hide under the water. I haven’t left the house or had a proper conversation with anyone in days. Everything has jumped on to my shoulders and I’m sinking.

My story, if you want to hear it, involves a young, naïve girl. I have suffered with depression on and off throughout my life, and due to this and, I guess, stupidity, I found myself seeing (I wouldn’t call it dating) a guy (I wouldn’t call him a man) who was a friend of a friend. As ridiculous as it sounds, I didn’t find him attractive, we had nothing in common, he was in all likelihood a drug dealer and he was a horrible person.

I was in a bad place when I met him, yet he made the situation a million times worse. He became obsessed with me. He became completely irrational, both physically and mentally abusive, all within a couple of months, I barely knew him as it was, and so I guess the intelligent and rational part of me realised how stupid I was being and so I said goodbye and ended communication.

If only it had been that easy.

On numerous occasions, he would turn up at my work, at home, after classes, knowing that I would have to be polite and accepting, so as not to make a scene. He was absolutely awful to me. There were calls where he would threaten to kill himself, times where he would bring golf clubs with him to my house, he would threaten to hurt my family, and I was terrified.

I didn’t know what to do. I was young, depressed and timid. I wish now I had called the police, or at least asked for help, but I just didn’t know what to do.

One evening, after returning home from a friend’s house, he was waiting for me inside my house. He had broken in, alone, and it turns out, had been waiting there for hours. He was livid, full of rage, and quite possibly drunk or drugged up to his eyeballs. It would only be wise to mention, at this point, that I am four foot and eleven inches tall, whereas he was over six foot.

He dragged me to his flat and locked me there for the longest and most horrific night of my life. I genuinely thought I was going to die that night. He told me so himself.

I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go into detail, nor do I think either you or I would benefit from an account of exactly what happened. Needless to say, he went to prison. I had to stand up in court, as did some of my friends and family. It’s possible that the experience of going through it again was as bad as the ordeal in itself. I had become nothing. I had constant panic attacks, often daily. I wouldn’t sleep, I was terrified of having a heart attack, often convinced I actually was. I was in trouble for having time off work, had to drop out of my course and had a court case to look forward to.

I know he is out of prison now, it has been a few years. Friends have seen him around the town, although thankfully I live in a reasonably big city. My life has moved on, but I am mentally scarred and probably will be for the rest of my life. I have to walk past where it happened every day on my way to lectures, and I have to explain my past to new people in my life. I’ve not met anyone who understands me and I genuinely don’t think I ever will.

Polite dance song.

2011-11-28T20:59:00.000Z

I cannot seem to focus any of my attention on my assignments.

I am sat at my desk surrounded by study material, but I seem to be doing everything but working. It has started to worry me, actually. I am falling asleep later and later, rising later and later. The dark doesn’t help and I can’t seem to change this pattern.

It’s not so much the typical procrastination methods of Facebook or even nights out, I’m not so much of a drinker these days, but it has got to the point where I’ll dedicate a whole day to studying and I’ll neither study nor achieve much else. Yesterday I dyed my hair and watched TV. I don’t even like TV that much! I despise talent shows – I’m not even going to mention the names. I enjoy reading but seem to keep finding myself frozen in front of drivel and/or watching kitten videos. Oh help!

I have tried listening to classical music on Spotify, there are actual study playlists! But really, I think I need a kick up the backside.

On another note, I am truly saddened by the passing of Ken Russell. I met him once a few years ago, he was quite a character. Strange how I posted a picture of him only a few days ago with the beautiful Twiggy. Rest in peace, Ken.

You oughta know.

2011-11-28T04:02:00.000Z

Just pictures for now.

Magic works.

2011-11-26T04:36:00.000Z

My awful sleep pattern is back. My long, relaxing bath didn't help, I'm just ever so slightly prune-like. I have found some pretty pictures for you to enjoy. Hopefully I will sleep soon...

Good night, night owls.

La foule.

2011-11-21T23:17:00.000Z

Love love love.

2011-11-20T23:14:00.001Z

Not that many of us would openly admit to it, but love, true love, that’s what life is about. I’m not talking about love between friends or within a family, but heartfelt, heart wrenching love, between sweethearts. It’s the thing that makes us feel special, warm even. It’s the thing that can give us confidence and joy, even when you’re apart.

Love is amazing.

I don’t think anyone would ever dispute that love, in its purest and best form, surpasses all.

Film, music, literature and other arts all utilise the idea of love. We all know of it, even if we’ve never seen or experienced it first-hand.

Conversely, betrayal and heartbreak can be devastating. It can break you. I’m more than sure that any of you, reading this, will know that awful pang of rejection and pain. I’m sure everyone, at some point, will know that rotten feeling.

I’ve been thinking, recently, about Christmas (it brings out the worst in me) and of past loves and of how this season will pan out.

As I have said before, I am single. This is something that usually doesn’t even cross my mind. I am quite independent and would genuinely rather be alone than with someone who would treat me badly or would not appreciate me. But as soon as I hear the Christmas music in shops, the adverts, and so on, my stomach will somersault and I feel sick. All I can think about is Christmas day, alone. All of my siblings have partners, and I feel like I am a burden. It’s an awful shrinking feeling.

I guess this is why I have been feeling nostalgic. The ex that called last week has been on my mind, and I hate it. He wasn’t great for me, quite the narcissist, but he was there, and I guess it makes sense for my mind to wander back to someone who I spent nearly two years with than anyone else. Thankfully he lives a couple of hours away, so I don’t have the panic or stupidity of bumping into him.

Although this sounds ridiculous, I have a friend who is still friends with him on Facebook, and she mentioned that he had gone on a date. I’m truly fine with this, and it has been nearly a year, but it did click in my head ‘why would he call me, his ex, the day after he went going on a date with someone else?’ He didn’t gloat, he didn’t even mention the date, he seemed to just want to chat, (although usually months go by without so much of a peep) of course, dropping hints of his fabulous new life in the big smoke, and of all the fancy bars and restaurants he’s been going to. He did, thinking about it, ask about my love life. Urgh.

I came to the conclusion, long ago, that I am nothing but an ego boost for him. I reassure him, tell him what he wants to hear, massage his ego; so to speak. Urgh! I boosted him before he went on a date with someone else.

Less of that, yes?

My point is, that although it is Christmas, and New Year makes me want to hide in bed forever, alone, I will not surrender to idiots. I don’t want to be desperate for love. I don’t want to move backwards, or find some desperado sleaze in town, just because it’s Christmas.

I want to find the one that is, perhaps not perfect, but good for me, in the right time. I don’t want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone, or because it’s Christmas.

And so I pray.

2011-11-19T05:20:00.001Z

Brave.

2011-11-18T14:59:00.000Z

I couldn't sleep last night, now I feel a bit sick. Time for tea, I think.

Up she goes.

2011-11-17T02:49:00.001Z

Titanic is to be released in 3D next year!

There is a video on YouTube, watch it in HD if you can. I had goosebumps within seconds of pressing play. It really is a classic. Heartbreakingly sad, but undeniably brilliant.

Can I walk with you.

2011-11-16T18:52:00.000Z

I finally handed in my essay! Although I have had a few small assignments since starting this course, today was the first assignment in essay form that I have had to do. In all honesty, I am not all that sure how great it was, but it's all practice, I guess. Everything I have completed so far, I have passed, some with reasonably good marks, and, considering that my marks this year do not count towards my degree overall, I am more content in using this year as a spring board to learn and experience the things that will help me for the next two years.

I don’t have to work tonight, thank god, so I am going to have a nice long bath, get some [light] reading in and have an early night to be up bright and early for my morning lecture.

Flowers in the window.

2011-11-15T13:36:00.000Z

I have a ridiculous amount of work to do today.

That's alright, though. It's a challenge and an opportunity. I will learn and thrive under the pressure.

Can you tell I'm still reading Feel the fear and feel it anyway?! It's actually pretty good, or, at least, it's helping to change my negative thought patterns into something more positive.

I have a spare hour or two, now, so I shall attempt to focus on some reading, until my next seminar beckons.

Don't get me wrong.

2011-11-15T00:17:00.000Z

Argh.

This essay is due on Wednesday at 12 noon, I have barely written an introduction. I spent what seems like an eternity writing an essay plan, but I think that was because I knew I had no content. None.

My brain is not working, at all.

To make matters worse, I have spent the last hour or so looking through old photographs on my external hard drive. My thin photographs. Double argh.

So now I'm up far too late, no essay, tomorrow will be a day of rushrushrushrushrushPANIC and I feel like a whale. Oh dear.

Simplify.

2011-11-14T16:48:00.000Z

I adore her.

Pop the glock.

2011-11-14T04:06:00.002Z

I don't know why I am awake. It's nearly 4am.

My ex called last night, I haven't seen him in nearly a year. He's an arse.

Today has been the biggest waste of a day. Procrastination is the devil.

Have some pictures.

I should get some sleep.

Gucci Gucci.

2011-11-13T03:50:00.001Z

My last blog post was a combination of complaints and grumbles, something I am not particularly proud of, and although I think we all have things we’d like to change or even bring to an end, I think it’s important, especially considering how privileged we really are, to have some balance, and to really consider just how fortunate we are.

It’s not my place (or wish) to preach or judge, but if you’re reading this, the chances are that you’re not starving, you have a computer and I would therefore assume a home and warmth. We’re all more than aware of the poverty and adversity going on around the world, and it’s probably much closer to home than we realise.

Therefore, from now, I am going to try to be more positive and appreciative of the things that make up my life. I, like anyone, (maybe more), tend to complain and moan about my day, horrible customers, ‘unfair’ decisions and so on, but every now and then I am going to stop and physically write down five things I can be grateful for.

In reality I am sure this will be easy peasy. I, like so many others, have an infinite amount to be thankful for, but I hope that the act of actually writing a list, seeing it in front of me and considering it, will help me to really value my life and therefore not feel so miserable when it is often quite conceited of me.

On a side note, just in case anyone feels this way, I really don’t want these posts to sound like I am bragging or boasting. I’d really hate for anyone to feel that way. Like always, I’d very much appreciate feedback, and encourage others to make their own lists!

So here we go.

1. My family. They may not be perfect, and at times I may want to wring their necks, but they are mine and I love them. I know, without a doubt, that they are there for me, no matter what. They have supported me through some awful times, and without them I don’t know where or who I’d be.

2. University. I can’t believe I am actually a student, on the course that I applied for and dreamed about. I don’t think I ever believed I could do it.

3. Freedom. I know this may sound silly to some, and I really do take it for granted, but I have choices, independence and answer to no one. No one will ever hold me down again. I can be whatever I want. I guess this can lead to…

4. My past. I have made some awful decisions in my life. My family and friends will agree with that. Of course everyone has regrets, I do too, but without them I wouldn’t be me, I wouldn’t know what I know today, and so I am grateful for my mistakes.

5. Love. I really am grateful for love. Love is an amazing and beautiful thing. Between lovers, but also the love between family, friends and even strangers. At the moment I am single and pretty much carefree, but I really do love love. The butterflies in your stomach, first kisses, movies and holding hands, it really can make life worth living. I know I’ll meet someone, someday. I’m in no rush, but I’m excited for when it does happen.

So there we have it. Some positivity! I'd like to think I've inspired you, if only for a second in your head, to do the same.

I hope you're all having a marvellous weekend.

Lots of love.

Let go of my glass balloon.

2011-11-11T02:04:00.002Z

Weheartit.com

I don’t know about you, but Christmas seems to have come around a lot quicker than ever before. I’m already grimacing at the sight of that M&S advert… You know the one.

In all honesty, I’m dreading it. I’m really dreading it.

This year I am alone, completely alone. I don’t especially want a boyfriend, and I’m not the most sociable of people, but there’s just something so incredibly numbing and depressing about Christmas. Don’t even get me started on New Year... Urgh! Oh New Year, how I despise you. I detest the whole façade. The midnight kiss, the scheduled fun, the building up to a depressing new year of disappointments and reflections on what is usually a drab year.

I think that part of the reason I’m feeling so negative about the ‘holiday season’ is the fact that around Christmas last year, my relationship of two years had become exceedingly rocky and inevitably came to an end. It happened in the days between Christmas and New Year. It was a long (ish) distance relationship, an hour and a half on the train, so nothing extreme.

Last year, I was really poor. I technically still live at home, so I didn’t starve, but due to the course I was studying, and living on very little wages, money was tight. My boyfriend at the time was working various jobs as an intern, unpaid, often commuting to London, and so things were obviously difficult. I had to work practically all of the Christmas and New Year shifts such as Boxing Day and New Years Eve, working until 10 or 11pm. I realise this is nothing terrible, but it did mean that I found it extremely difficult to work on my relationship, and this probably added to the split.

Whether the relationship would have lasted is beside the point. My employer is pretty rubbish, different managers every month, and the ‘favourite’ workers will always be given time off etc, and so I was stuck.

This year, however, it just so happens that I don’t have to work any of the ‘crucial’ days. Working part time plus my student loans mean that I can actually afford to have a reasonably normal Christmas, and various other circumstances have changed, for the better, all good things, really.

But I’m alone. I'm [almost] wishing I could work over Christmas, or sleep through the entire thing! I don’t have my partner any more. I don’t have anyone to spend these days with. I know I sound incredibly selfish and spoilt, but I just keep thinking back to last year, when I would have done anything for just a bit of help.

I do feel quite ashamed of myself for being so self absorbed. Am I the only one who dreads the holidays? Is it only fun when you’re too young to know any different?

Oh to be young and carefree.

I feel like an ungrateful little troll.

I'll just crawl back in to my cave now.

Night all!

Heaven is a place on earth with you.

2011-11-07T14:00:00.003Z

I’m feeling surprisingly upbeat for a Monday. I am home for my lunch; I have another lecture in a few hours. It might sound pitiful but I started reading ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ last night. From what I can gather thus far, the gist of it is to recognise that ‘I’ can handle anything. It’s quite interesting. I’ll let you know how I get on. I definitely need to acquire some confidence, it has been an issue in past relationships and essentially something I need to fix to enable me to live a happy life.

On that note, I bid you adieu for now. Enjoy the pictures!

Much love.

Hold on to your misery.

2011-11-06T00:46:00.007Z

I'm not feeling especially miserable, I just wanted to share this song. I dare you not to smile at the faces of the young girls, they are precious!

I hope you are having a marvellous weekend. I am just about ready for bed.

Night all!

Choux Pastry Heart.

2011-11-04T19:10:00.003Z

weheartit.com

So it is Friday again! This week seems to have flown by…

Tonight I am going to be mostly self-indulgent. I have a new DVD, a new book, a face mask, a hair mask and various other lotions and potions to revitalise and re-energise me. I might even give myself a manicure if I feel like it. Sometimes I feel more tired after a weekend of ‘fun’ than I would had I have been boring and/or sensible, so I definitely feel that I am due some ‘me-time’ (for want of a better term).

I genuinely believe that, within reason, time alone is a good thing, and although I enjoy the company of others, sometimes after a hectic week I want for nothing more than my own space, a hot bath and maybe some relaxing music and candles. I even have various iPod playlists to suit each mood – it saves me so much time and can complement whatever mood I am in.

Now I shall have a quick straighten up of my bedroom, washing and various other necessities and then the evening will belong to me.

How do you relax, dear reader? Do you have any specific films or books that you will watch for an evening to yourself?

I wish you all a lovely, relaxing weekend.

There's no one but you.

2011-11-01T10:21:00.001Z

I’m feeling rather glum. I would very much like to crawl back into bed and hide from today. I have an assignment due in tomorrow, though.

I have no mental power today. This week, my anxiety levels have been sky high. I need to breathe. I actually need a holiday. I genuinely don’t know how to create and maintain balance in my life. I look at other people, the people that are polished and calm, the people that are so well put together. I wish that could be me. I wish I was the person I think I can be.

Images from weheartit

These are the days.

2011-10-31T14:49:00.004Z

Image from tumblr

I am now home after a morning lecture, a face full of sleep and mug full of hot sugary tea, deciding whether or not a nap would be wise. Tonight I have to go to work, to have my confidence in humanity crushed and to leave thinking that I belong in a career where I am a nobody, a ‘dumb blonde’ who can’t string a coherent sentence together or work out their change in my head. Sometimes it’s so depressing that I have genuine thoughts of leaving, although I don’t know how I would survive on student loans alone… (I don’t think it’s beneath me, at all. I work very hard and get dirty. My gripe is with customers and staff alike, the comments, judgements and even discrimination and bullying. A decision to leave would leave me in dire straits, not something I could casually decide.)

As a mature student, I’d like to think that I am much wiser and more adapt to hectic routines than my younger counterparts, however I must admit that I am finding my weekly schedule pretty draining and exhausting. In some respects it is unfortunate that I have to work the hours that I do and I despair at the idea of it impacting my studies, however I know that I am fortunate to have employment and I abhor the idea of being ungrateful.

I feel like I have been in a constant state of sleep deprivation for the last few weeks. Although I judged with surprise the young lady with a large energy drink at 9am a few weeks ago, I can now – at least in theory – completely understand the thinking behind it. Drinking a neon can full of caffeine at such an hour gives me the palpitations enough at it is, however, needless to say I will not and could not take up such a habit!

In terms of my course content, although I am not sure whether to disclose what I am studying (in fear of possibly relinquishing my identity to family or friends), it would be very fair to say that I definitely need to be dedicated to stay on top of things. Sometimes there are moments, mid lecture, when I am in a state of half uncertainty and half despair, the absolute terror that I may be asked a question and, as I have no clue what they are talking about, the fear that I will make a fool out of myself burns my cheeks.

Part of me is sure that this is how many others are feeling, but it really isn’t nice. It is in those moments that I assure myself that I will study extra hard, be prepared and well-read for the next session but, as always, sleep and other pursuits take over as soon as I am home. I have been invited to a party this week, and have been changing my mind again and again whether I should allow myself to go, especially bearing in mind the recovery time of such a night out for me since turning the grand old age of 25! Ha!

Dear oh dear. In reality, my problems are probably trivial and maybe even selfish. I know that I am lucky to be where I am. I have the world at my feet and can, providing I exert effort, achieve anything. I can achieve anything. I need to look at my situation with the view that being a ‘mature’ student, with the responsibilities I hold, is a gift. The fact that I have had a, somewhat small, working life, different life experiences and simply more life lived gives me a head start. I am grateful for this and need to take this as a blessing.

I need to gain some perspective.

Perspective and more tea.

Lots of love.

It's amazing, all that you can do.

2011-10-23T20:44:00.000+01:00

Picture from weheartit.com

Today, I wanted to write a small post about why I have decided to go to University. There is a lot of debate today as to whether it is worthwhile to study further. The increase in tuition fees, the general state of the economy, lack of jobs and so on are telling that academia is, perhaps, no longer all it is cracked up to be. I don’t know the exact statistics – feel free to let me know – but I’m sure we’re all aware of the generation of graduates struggling to find employment for whatever reason.

I come from what is known as a broken home. Money had and has always been tight and that was just the way of it and all I have ever known. My family – on both sides – are your typical working class folk. They are good people and I love them. They find employment after school, work hard, get married at a reasonably young age, have children, live close to where they were born and so on. As far as I can tell this does seem to equate to relative happiness and comfort for them. In some respects I can appreciate and understand the need for a sense of normality, comfort and even of fitting in with peers. Education, culture and debate, however, is something that I have found to be missing from this life, and it has niggled with me for as long as I can remember.

I’m not especially competitive, and in reality can be incredibly shy and self-doubting. However, I want to be educated. I know that to some this may sound controversial, but I’m not at university to secure my dream job. Yes, I would absolutely love to attain the career of my choice, but in reality, first and foremost, I want to be educated. I want my mind to be at its best. I want to stand up and be knowledgeable, proud of myself and of my life.

Without meaning to sound judgemental or rude, I know people, even members of my own family, that think it strange for me not to have a boyfriend, my own council house or flat and baby. As if to suggest that it is my eventual destiny anyway. It really, truly saddens me that this is the actuality of life for some. Of course, if that is what makes a person happy, I would truly not judge or scorn, but the fact that some people don’t have a choice, or aren’t aware of any other choice, to me, is terrible.

I want to be the best I can be, whatever that may be. I am already 25, and I don’t want, any more, to look back with regrets. I may, at some point, delve deeper into my life and of choices and events that have helped make this decision, we shall see.

I just don’t want to become passive. I want to achieve goals and become someone in my own right, not just someone’s husband or mother or employee. Someone accomplished. Someone happy. That would be really nice.

Again and again.

2011-10-19T02:48:00.002+01:00

Hello again! I hope that you are happy and well.

My thoughts have been with this blog, this little space, and of what I should write for a while. I have to admit that I have been slightly worried about what and how I should write, especially given that this will be my first proper post. I sincerely want my writings to be interesting, well written and honest.

I read quite a few blogs on various topics in my spare time and I appreciate them in all their differences and specialities, and from this I can say that I definitely want my space to hold something true, something honest and something well written.

My writing is far from excellent but I can definitely grasp the gift that such a blog will give to me. I would like to improve on my writing, take on a creative outlet and, of course have an outlet for any such issues I may have.

I am truly grateful that I have comments on my first post! I am honestly thrilled that anyone would have found this place, let alone taken time to share a welcome with me! Thank you, you have genuinely made me smile!

On that note, I would like to mention to anyone who may take an interest in this page that I really would appreciate constructive criticisms on my writing or my ideas, even on my page design (or lack of!). Additionally, any ideas or suggestions for posts or suchlike would, again, be greatly appreciated by me. I have a lot to learn!

I have a number of ideas for blog posts that I will attempt to put into words over the next few weeks. I hope, very much, that this blog will become something special and a part of me. I am excited to see where this takes me, and I promise you, dear reader, that I shall keep up with my writing for frequent and [hopefully] compelling reads!

Lots of love.

New beginnings.

2011-09-15T22:35:00.001+01:00

Oh, hello there! It’s very lovely to meet you! Thank you ever so much for taking the time to peruse my writings and ramblings. I hope this will bring you joy, thought and perhaps even enlightenment.

I am a lady in my mid twenties, about to embark on university studies, something I have dreamed of for most of my life but have never truly thought it possible. Now, however, I am finally here! I want to document my observations, interests, life stories and outlooks and I hope that I may be of help to others in similar positions to myself.

This blog will be a secret diary, so to speak, and through the anonymity of my personal life, I hope to be completely honest and frank throughout.

How exciting!

Lots of love.